Alcohol Abuse and Family

By Ned Wicker

There is nothing easy about going through the 12 Step recovery processes, especially when it comes to making amends, dealing with those you have hurt and trying to reconcile relationships. That becomes even more difficult with families. Family is difficult, because there is so much history and so much emotional baggage attached to being a member.

Family Support Needed

So often I hear the stories about family gatherings at the holidays and how difficult it is for people to maintain self control, not become emotionally upset, or lost what ever shred of dignity they might have left. Family always seems to bring out the worse in us and the consensus at a recent recovery meeting was that many in the room just wanted to avoid the painful experience and go start life all over again.

Family is difficult for many because the love and unconditional support may not be there, especially for those with the disease of addiction because family members insist upon bringing up all the garbage and no apology and sometimes no amount of progress is going to change that. Perhaps family members have been hurt and it’s hard for them to let go of the hurt.

Sometimes equal membership in the family is conditional, like the older sibling who tolerates you as long as your behavior, attitudes and beliefs are acceptable. Or they see you as the out-of-control youth you once were, even though you’re well beyond your irresponsible days.

One member of the group asked his family if they would avoid alcohol at the Christmas party. They didn’t. He said he got through it, but what hurt was their lack of sensitivity knowing that he was an alcoholic. Of course, we all know that nobody can have a good time at a party without alcohol.

Another person had greatly offended his mother because he was an alcoholic, as were his two older brothers. She is an alcoholic herself and told him that she wished she hadn’t had “any of you bastards.” Yet another member of a family was never invited to family functions for fear he’d steal from his brothers and sisters. Family is tough.

Addicts need support especially for going into treatment and the 12 Steps. When the love of family is denied, or acceptance is denied, a person is likely to experience a kind of isolation, as if all that really matters has been cut off.

When parents reject their children, or when brothers and sisters turn away in disapproval, where is the love and support for the addict going to come from? Granted, the family history may be ugly.

The addict/alcoholic may have trampled on the feelings and sensitivities of family and friends, but the addiction has taken over and lost in the haze of it all is the person who was once loved.

“Tough love” may require family members, who have sought professional help, to do something they do not agree with or do not want to do, but the action is in the best interest of the addict. Tough love is not “go away and leave me alone.”

I think families need to hold on to hope, to try new ways of reaching out to the addict/alcoholic brother or sister. Treatment and recovery helps them understand the rejections they are going to receive, and formulate a plan for getting their loved one help.

During interventions, family members are encouraged to write down their thoughts and feelings, and share those with the addict in a family meeting. Filled with love and concern, those letters are powerful, as the family connection can cut through the lies of addiction, because of the family tie. The love of a parent or a sibling can overcome the darkness of disease. The love of a husband or wife is equally as powerful, because of the strong emotional attachment.

When family is removed, where is the hope? It is not impossible for the addict to get into treatment and recovery and become healthy, but if he/she is isolated, without support and a place to turn for love, the fight is so much harder.

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ABOUT…

SYMPTOMS…

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