January Not Always
a New Beginning

By Carolyn Hutsen (Guest Blog)

For most people January is a month of new beginnings, New Year's resolutions, and the anticipation of what lies ahead in the new year. I too, love January and the fresh perspective it offers.

However, for me, January is also a bitter sweet time each year. It’s the month my father who I loved so very much, took his life ending his long battle with alcoholism and depression.

Dad was diagnosed with clinical depression on December 26, 1975. Little did we know that after hearing that news, our lives would never be the same.

This came as somewhat of a surprise to us because he had successfully completed alcohol treatment in June and much to the delight of everyone, we were grateful to "have Dad back."

For the next few months life with Dad was wonderful. As our family settled back to "business as usual" gradual changes were taking place in Dad that we didn't notice immediately. His cheerful outlook and sense of humor gradually changed.

He became a little more quiet and when asked if something was wrong, Dad responded that he was fine...just a little tired...His response was actually a mask that covered up the despair and depression that caused him so much pain.

(Keep in mind that during the 1970’s people didn't talk about something as personal as a mental health issue.)

Because of his diagnosis, Dad was admitted to the hospital for treatment. Over the next few weeks the doctors grew frustrated that they were not seeing improvement more quickly. Dad was also growing more frustrated and depressed.

As Dad shared with me the final week of his life, his mind was so confused and clouded that he couldn't even decide what shirt or pair of pants to put on in the mornings. He felt that he had become a burden to the family because of his long hospital stay.

Of course we saw it differently. When a persons mind is filled with confusion, reality of the situation isn't as obvious to a depressed person. Over the years I’ve come to understand that in his confused and dark mental state, suicide became Dad's only solution.

In his mind nothing else was working even though the medical community was doing everything they knew to do to heal him of his pain and despair. He had overcome alcoholism but had never moved into recovery and renewal.

Since his death, I've heard people say that suicide is "the easy way out," or suicide is a "selfish act because of the pain it causes the family." That couldn't be further from the truth. It took a great deal of courage to pull the trigger one time. In one brief moment, his pain and suffering ended...he was at peace.

As difficult as it was for me, my belief in God sustained me. God ministered to my heart and spirit. I still remember a scripture that came to me the night of his death;

Psalm 46:10: "Be still and know that I am God."

I experienced a deep inner peace knowing in my spirit that even though my life turned upside down and I didn't understand why this happened, God gave me a sweet inner peace and I sensed God hold me in the palm of His mighty hand.

If you are depressed while reading this and contemplating taking your life I ask you to do two things first.

1. STOP!! For the next few minutes, take a reality check. Even if you feel hopeless and insignificant and as though the pit is too deep to continue, you need to know that your feelings and circumstances are temporary. You aren’t hopeless and you aren’t insignificant. God created you in His image. He is your hope and your salvation.

The feelings you have and the deep despair you feel are real...but they are TEMPORARY. I see suicide as a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Don't give in to those hopeless feelings. You matter to your family and friends and more important, you matter to God. The Bible tells us that God will never leave us or forsake us. That is a fact.

He never left me during my difficult time and He will never leave you. Imagine that, dear one. You are a child of the most-high God and He loves you just as you are. Cry out to Him and He will carry you out of the pit of darkness and despair. God wants to light your path and prepare you for a healing journey.

2. Be honest with a family member or close friend whom you trust and tell them the truth. Tell them you have had thoughts of ending your life and that you need their help. There are a variety of resources available in every community.

Ask your trusted one to take you to the nearest hospital immediately and they will help you through the crisis. There is treatment available, counseling, and medication that will help you through this difficult time.

You also need spiritual support. If you attend a church, call your faith community and ask for prayer and help. I found my faith community to be a wonderful source of support and encouragement.

You will move out of the darkness and into the light. The faith community will be a blessing you need to continue on your healing journey. Stop; remember you are a child of God who loves you. Next, call that friend or family member and ask for help.

God has a plan for your life and as you trust Him with every area of your life, he will direct your path. This scripture in the book of Jeremiah will bless you just as it continues to bless me.

"For I know the plans for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart." Jeremiah 29: 11-13

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