The Great Double Standard

It’s one of the most common explanations for why kids get involved with alcohol and drug use. Parents use it to deflect responsibility. Coaches use it to protect the eligibility of their star athlete. Grandparents use it to make sure any other reason is not considered.

What is the explanation? “They got in with the wrong crowd.”

When I was growing up my mother would use one of the kids in my neighborhood as the classic guilt example. “Don’t me like (so and so),” she’d say. Or if she was really angry with me, she’d call me by his name, bringing more shame and humiliation to my already indefensible position.

The “bad kid” was a product of a broken home, had no parental oversight of any kind, repeatedly was held back in school and finally thrown aside like yesterday’s garbage. Looking back 50 years, I am heartbroken for him. He was the “bad kid” and I was seen as one of the “good kids,” but only because I didn’t get caught.

Here’s a question for you. Who are the drinkers in the high school? According to recent statistics, some 80% of high school students admit to having taken a drink, even though the legal drinking age is 21. Does that mean 80% of the kids are the “bad kids” and only 20% are the “good kids?” If you walked into a room full of high school students, could you pick them out? Can you identify the wrong crowd? Who smokes grass? If your child got in with the wrong crowd, surely you can identify them.

What does the “bad kid” look like? They must have a uniform of some kind, like a certain style of clothing, or spiked hair, or black leather and chains. It’s not simple, because you can’t tell who is drinking and who isn’t. Of course, if a child has developed alcoholism, maybe then you’ve got some more obvious clues, but in general, who’s to say?

Adult attitudes play a major role in distinguishing the good from the bad. If the ball team has a drinking party the coach can deny anything ever happened to make sure that none of the players are found guilty of violating the athletic code. After all you can’t punish them because they just made a bad choice, and you may have to forfeit the game. They are the good kids, so we must have a separate standard for their behavior. You can save your wrath for the child who is a little out of step, or the one who doesn’t have any friends.

What if we were to group all of them together and look at them as potential victims? Maybe they just want to be a part of the crowd and join in the drinking without any particular reasoning other than that. Maybe they want to feel better and alcohol helps to numb the pain. Maybe they have been neglected and turn to alcohol in rebellion to their parents. Maybe they do it because their parents do it.

It’s too easy to blame the “crowd,” or sweep the dirt under the rug by making excuses. It’s worse when the “good kids” never face the consequences of a bad action. If your child got in with the “wrong crowd” it is ultimately your fault if you haven’t talked with your kid about alcohol, if you haven’t paid attention and been a part of their life, if you’ve assumed that this kind of thing could never happen in your family.

Even the best of kids can make a stupid decision and even the worst of them can be redeemed. It’s not about excuses, it’s about facing the reality that all kids are potentially going to fall into the “bad kid” category because they drank. We all have a stake in their future and a responsibility to help them understand the realities of drinking.

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