Vicious One-Two Punch

Vicious One-Two Punch

By Ned Wicker

No parents should have to burry their children. I can’t think of anything more painful. A dear friend from my days in the auto racing business called with dreadful news last week—his 44 year old son had committed suicide. The dreadful action was the culmination of two years of struggle, pain and isolation.

My friend was nearly inconsolable when he met with me the day after. He is one of those people who is always smiling, always has something good to say to you and will offer the shirt off his back to anyone in need.

There was none of that.

“What do I do now?” he asked holding his head in his hands.

“(My son) had two really hard years, but we recently spend a lot of time together and I told him ‘let me help we can go through this together.’ But he never told me what was wrong.” His wife was numb. She tried her best to hold back tears and not show the obvious pain she was experiencing. Her son, her first born, did not let her into his inner self either. She tried to console her husband.

The young man’s younger sister likewise tried to process the event, looked to me and asked, “Do people who commit suicide automatically go to hell?”

Suicide is a brutal, abrupt and devastating solution to a problem. When there is no possible alternative, no remedy, no way to turn, people take their own lives. In the case of my friend’s son, it was a triple threat that led to the end of his life—depression, alcoholism and addiction to crack cocaine.

No one knew the root of the depression, as he would not share with anyone, including his girlfriend of the last ten years. She explained that he always drank too much and it was just the last couple of years that he had been doing the crack. Like so many countless thousands of wives and girlfriends, she didn’t know what to do about it.

She wanted to keep the relationship, so she became an enabler. And, like those countless thousands of others, she didn’t know that she could turn to groups like Al-anon to get help. Like his family, she is left asking questions, such as, “What could I have done differently?”

Left to their own devices, people always search for their own solutions. My friend’s son was no different. There had been trips to treatment centers, but all treatment options must have been rejected. I was told repeatedly that he tried, but always failed. I was trying to fit the pieces together.

I knew this young man since his childhood. He had a remarkable talent for restoring classic cars, as his bodywork was superb and even his father, who was a master of the trade, said he learned from his son.

We worked hard and played hard, so his road to alcoholism and the point of where his life was out of control was rather long and slow. He had some scrapes with the law and had gotten into trouble, but he had a kind of boyish charm and he’d give you that smile.

Somewhere along the line something happened. The alcohol would no longer numb the pain inside. He could tolerate large amounts of beer and liquor; nothing brought relief.

His girlfriend said he started the crack cocaine one day and never stopped. She said he became depressed and could not sleep. Up to the moment of his death, he had not slept for eight days. Even when he did sleep, according to his mother, it was not like he had slept at all.

She tried to help him through it, but his answer to her was always, “You don’t understand.”

His girlfriend said she could no longer take it, and had not been seeing him for three months.

The toxic effects of heavy, long-term alcohol use, coupled with the highly-addictive and damaging effects of crack cocaine, led to a troubled and tortured mind. He knew something was wrong, but he refused to allow anyone inside. One day he just ran out of answers and saw no other options.

His parents wanted me to do the funeral. To ease the pain of the moment, we allowed ourselves to reminisce. But it always got back to their son and they kept asking questions like, “Will God forgive him?” They are both people of faith and were clinging to the hope that God would be merciful.

So many look for answers and solutions. Joe Herzanek’s book, “Why Don’t They Just Quit?” is an excellent resource. Like my friend’s son, Joe had his addictions, but unlike my friend’s son, Joe found powerful solutions, not only for himself, but for his loved ones.

What seemed impossible became reality. My friend told me the story of his son, others added their experiences, and I came away with such a feeling of empathy and overwhelming sadness. There are solutions. There are treatment options. Recovery is possible. Sadly, people look for their own answers.

(Joe Herzanek’s book is available at http://whydonttheyjustquit.com” )

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