Alcoholism Questions

Alcoholism Questions

I kicked my spouse out of the house a year ago, but he/she says they are not using anymore. Should I take them back?

This is a tough question and one that may produce an answer you don’t want to hear. If you’re asking this question it tells me that you still have feelings for your spouse. Your inclination is to give it another try, but you’re not sure. Let’s go over a few things.

Understand that alcoholism is never conquered, it’s just controlled. I used to smoke cigarettes. I have not smoked for 20 years. I am still a smoker because I know the addictive power of nicotine. If I smoke again, I will go right back to where I was when I quit. The same is true with alcoholism. Without going into all of the factors, which are discussed on another page of this site, when people are in recovery they are not immune to alcoholism, so any using will take its toll.

When your spouse was with you I can only imagine some of the fights that preceded his/her departure. You argued. Doors were slammed. He/she walked out many times to be with “friends.” It didn’t do any good, did it? You’re probably hoping that he/she has changed, when in fact you are also in need of change. What was your part in this relationship and what have you changed that will make the relationship work if your spouse returns? You’re probably thinking, “Wait a minute. I’m not the alcoholic. Why to I have to change?” Your approach to your spouse and the alcoholism has to change.

You need rules. You need a strategy. And most importantly you need to have the backbone to follow the plan. You love them, you feel for them, you don’t want to hurt them, but do not enable them. Get help from professionals and from people who have walked down your path with their spouse. Your spouse needs to have the help and support of other recovering alcoholics, so a 12-Step program, or other alcoholism support groups are very good pieces of your plan for your spouse. That’s an example of a new rule you might use. They go to group. Likewise, you are not an island and you need support. Groups like Al-anon are made for you. Other people have asked the same question and have similar experiences, so why not allow them to share with you and support you?

An alcoholism counselor can give you excellent advice for your plan and help you implement a strategy that will be the most effective for your situation. No matter how you feel emotionally about your spouse, when it comes to alcoholism, you need to be the boss. Establish firm ground to stand on, don’t give in, and allow others to support your plan. 



For more answers about alcoholism questions go to Intervention.