Joe, I have 2 questions. What do you say to someone who falls off the wagon? And do you demand honesty regarding past infidelity in your marriage?

by Trudy
(Bloomington, IN, USA)

My long marriage to an alcoholic began falling apart last year as my AH wanted to leave me. I have now learned about Alcoholism- I would have never said he was an "alcoholic" prior to this.

I entered marriage counseling which was useless because he was still drinking. We separated for a time because that is what he wanted. I purchased Getting them sober series and have put all those in place to the best of my abilities. He moved home for short period to time.

I came to the place where I knew I could not please him and no longer could live in the situation and I wanted to get well. I made him move out. So he got very scared, decided he wanted his family and stopped drinking. I let him move back in.

He is now several months sober, attending AA 2-3 x wk and working weekly with a sponsor outside of the regular meetings. I know I should not worry about future and things that have not yet happened but what to do if he falls off the wagon. I know his guilt will be quite high if he does, but he at times is very confident in his recovery and puts himself in risky situations?

And the last time he drank- I almost had to call reinforcements to come get him to leave. I know it will be ugly. Second question- I know he had some type of an affair when he wanted to leave the marriage- which he denied during counseling and while he was still drinking.

I told him- "I know you did" and it doesn't help to continue to lie about it. And now that he is sober, do I wait for him to admit it? I just don't think right that he doesn't have to face this, also I want to know who was involved, and I feel most that I don't trust him because he has not been honest with me. As far as I know, it could still be going on.

I can feel it between us- but I am not sure if that is his guilt or that the affair continued in some way. But I also don't want to increase his guilt. I guess I feel like I deserve honesty.